Getting older brings a lot of pretty cool things: being able to drive, staying out later and eventually moving out. All of these things are awesome and things that I looked forward to while I was growing up. What I didn’t realize was that with all of these awesome privileges came a lot of not-so-awesome responsibilities. Doing your own laundry, paying traffic tickets, taking out the trash (not because your parents told you to but because if you don’t, it stiiiiiiiiiiinkss!!!!) But most of all, taking care of your own life.
I had a rude awakening this past week when I realized that I needed to pick up a second job during the summer. Now this wouldn’t have been that big of a deal because I am honestly really excited to pick up some extra hours this summer, but this new responsibility meant that I needed to “clean up my appearance” just a bit. Man, I hate that phrase. To make a long story short, I had to take a giant leap and committed to cutting off my dreadlocks. Ouch, I have been growing out my hair for over a year and went through so much to get my locks going, and now they are gone.
Now there is a pretty obvious downside to having to cut my hair, the simple fact that all that time and work will be gone. But the harder and more important thing to look at in this situation is the fact that I am able to be responsible enough to cut my hair, because that’s what I need to do—at least if I would like to eat and pay my rent this summer. Years ago there would be no way that I would make a decision like this and I consider myself very lucky that I am able to take a mature step in the right direction.

Keep Livin’ the Dream,
Patrick

There is a group called Alcoholics Anonymous, wherein who find themselves running through life with an addiction realize they are continuously hurting themselves. But they just can’t seem to stop running. Like my dog Auda running through a parking lot with a metal table still tied to her neck, they are driven by fear and image and perfectionism. But they also justify their behavior with unrealistic alibis. After a while, they can’t imagine life without their drug. I am one of these people. No one knows more than the addict herself that, once addicted to a substance or behavior, loved ones perpetuate a desire to drink/use/eat/ gamble by asking them questions, and “bothering” them about their habits because “they care”.
There is another group called Al-anon, wherein people like those men -- people who find themselves chasing after loved ones and coworkers wanting them to change-- realize they are continuously exhausting themselves, but they just can’t seem to stop chasing. They are also driven by fear, image, and perfectionism. And, like the addict, they also justify their behavior with unrealistic alibis (“He got good grades that one time; if I were a good parent, I could do it again…She stopped using last summer; I’m helping because that‘s what God would do…I know he’s a good person inside; I can bring it out if I maneuver things around…”). I am no longer one of these people. No one knows more than the al-anon member that, once codependent with a person/ institution, addicts perpetuate an Al-Anon’s desire to control and manipulate outcomes by making things even less predictable.
Guess what normal people do? Normal people, when they see an addicted person, leave them alone. They think: Wow, when I chase this dog, the dog runs more. Maybe I should stop chasing the dog.
Of all my AA, NA, GA, and OA friends, not a single one of us got better because a parent incessantly bothered us. None of my sex-addicted friends found recovery because their spouses or partners tried to become more attractive or offered to pay for more counseling. In fact, the very opposite is true: we got better when people finally left us alone, and we were the only ones left to face ourselves. We got better when we were lovingly abandoned.
Our internal dialogue went something like this: “Wow, no one is giving me money anymore. I never realized I couldn’t keep a job because I spend too much money on this damn metal table. Man, no one is making me angry by asking me questions about my habit anymore…but I’m still running around the parking lot all by myself, with this huge slab of patio furniture around my collar. Huh. That’s weird. I guess I can’t blame my destructive behavior on everyone else. They were so annoying, always on my back, making me carry this table around! But now they’re gone…
“I know!” the addict says, “It must be the weather, yeah! That’s it! I’m dragging this table everywhere because the table is shady and it’s hot out... Dude, it looks like my friends are starting to disappear, because this table is taking up so much space in my life. And now it’s cloudy. I don’t need the shade…Hhmmm. Damn it, damn it, damn it! I don’t want to give this up, and I’m not sure I know how, but maybe since I am so freakin’ cranky and hopeless, due to this heavy freakin’ table, I should get rid of it…”
I’m not sure if you noticed, but when the addict gets help, it has nothing to do with the loved one “helping them.” It has everything to do with the loved one leaving them. And that’s a hard truth to swallow, but it is the truth. If someone is truly addicted to a substance, they will only get better when they are as miserable as humanly possible while using it.
This lesson has helped me redefine love. Years ago, I used to think that love was sacrifice. But I have since learned that when I’m giving, I’m giving in order to get (even if it’s a good feeling). Basically, I’m just working for something. This is not love. This is not altruism. This is me chasing a self-serving motive with a consequential benefit to someone else.
My new definition of love is honesty. When I am honest about my wants, my limitations, and others’ actions, people grow. They get better because they see that I’m not gaining on their success or health, and they feel free to learn how to help themselves as I model what has helped me. Living honestly rather than sacrificially defines the phrase, “fish for a man and he eats for a day; teach a man to fish and he eats for life.”

The semester is almost over and I am so excited. I am almost a senior, which means that I will have my Bachelors in Psychology in one year. Who would have ever thought that I would have been able to accomplish something as grand as that?! It has not been an easy road to say the least. Someone I interviewed today said something along the lines of someone asking her what she would go back out for. Meaning what situation in her life would she get high again for. She said that she had been through so many things in recovery, that there is nothing bad enough that would ever make her use drugs again. That seems like such a simple statement, but I am going to have to agree with her on it. There is nothing bad enough that has not happened to me in recovery that would cause me to get high again. I sometimes wonder about that fact and it simply shows how much work I have done on myself and hoe proud of myself I currently am. It has been one heck of a struggle to accomplish all the things I have accomplished and there are consequences that I am still dealing with because of my past, but I am choosing to be a responsible adult, who can enjoy the fruits of life, rather than escaping reality and becoming a loser drug addict again. I am still learning how to live life on life terms, but I am learning and that is just a process of life. I have loved and lost love, I have done poorly on exams, I have fought with my family members, I have been lied to and mistreated, I have lost a job, I have hung out with the wrong people at the wrong time, I have watched my mother and my sister battle to the end, I have realized what true friendship really is, I learned how hard I have to work at life but what the benefits are if I do, I have just been living and experiencing life. Today I am learning how to love myself completely and not relying on anyone for anything except support. I am my own master and I am in control of all of my actions from here on out. I am responsible for everything I do and experience in life and I will never stop learning. I am okay today.