Every morning, after I wake up, walk my dog, eat breakfast, and brush my teeth, I drive to a coffee shop. I order a latte, sit down, pull out a paper and pen, and ask myself a few questions. The questions are usually:

1) Am I demanding anything? (I want…)
2) Am I trying to control anything? (It bothers me that…)
3) Am I afraid of anything? (I don’t trust…)
4) Am I being dishonest about anything? (I am withholding thoughts or feelings, even to “protect” someone?)

When I do this, sometimes the answers would seem silly and meaningless to a normal person. They might be small…

- I am demanding that my house be clean, but I refuse to vacuum.
- I am trying to control what my co-workers think of me, because I am afraid of being disapproved of.
-I am trying to control others’ performance because I think I can do it better/my time is important/etc.
-I am afraid of running out of money this month, even though I am being frugal.
-I am lying to myself about accepting my body…I tell myself everything is fine, but I want to lose five pounds.
-I am lying to myself about the amount of time I spend with my dog…I tell myself I give her more attention than I do.

After I answer these questions as honestly as possible, I make a plan for the 24 hours ahead that addresses the issues that have come up. Not a plan for the WEEK, not a plan for the MONTH, just a plan for the DAY. ..

-Vacuum my house today at 5:00pm.
-Make an affirmation about being Ok with myself and my body no matter how others perceive me.
-Allow other to live their journey and learn their lessons however they need, and only offer help when they ask for it. Be proud of their challenges and discoveries because it helps them learn and grow. If watching others makes me impatient, I can leave the room.
-Continue to make frugal decisions, and trust God will meet your needs for today. Be grateful for all the things you have.
-Take your dog to the dog-park after you vacuum the house.

Itty-bitty stresses start to grow when they are ignored. When I address them, when I am honest about them, I kill their ability to rule my life. I once heard a saying in a recovery meeting that I will never forget, “secrets grow in the dark.” When I see them on paper, I can make positive life changes. Many people’s lives stay the same, stay restless and discontent, because they can never pinpoint exactly what is bothering them.

When I keep secrets, no matter how small, they will develop a mind of their own and take off with my time and my temper. They are like seeds planted inside my mind, and they’ll grow, start making decisions for me, and before I know it, I won’t know why I am yelling at my kids, showing up late to work, hiring a maid to clean my house with the money I don’t have, or taking out a loan to pay off the debt I was trying to squash in the first place. When I refuse to be conscious of my subtle fears about people pleasing, or my miniscule irritations concerning timeliness, they will almost always come out in sideways behavior. And I’ll be the last one to notice.

So I challenge you to be honest with yourself. Let’s be frank, Americans are control freaks. We are addicted to predictability. It’s not a bad or a good thing – it’s simply our culture. So let’s make our culture manageable by being honest about it. It can be freeing to place our fears, our weaknesses, our secrets, and frustrations down on paper, and admit how self-reliance occasionally disrupts our inner peace. We are all humans, and it’s good to remember that the world is still a safe place, despite our imperfections.

-Rachel 05/2009