So I decided to title this blog horse and carriage because I am actually making the conscious decision to NOT put the horse before the carriage with this new relationship I am in. I have not been in a relationship for almost a year, which I think is a good thing, however I also have not met anyone who was worth enough of my time and energy to commit myself to. The individual I am with now is strong, educated, financially intelligent, responsible, has never done drugs, has a son, is polite, compassionate, kind, respectful, and shares great communication with me. I have definitely put this individual on a pedestal, but for the first time in my 25 years of existence I am on the pedestal too. That has never happened before and it makes me happy, because it truly shows growth within myself and within how I view relationships with other people. I have been working on myself a lot lately and I have been progressively learning more and more about myself, both the cons and the pros. I am glad that I am in tune enough with myself to be able to notice these things. This is going to be a great year and my number one focus needs to be school, because I graduate in 3 months with my BA in Psychology with a minor in communication. School is definitely something that I have not gotten motivated in since my accident, which is so frustrating to me, because I love school and increasing my knowledge. I am currently on a mission to increase my desire to learn and achieve my most desired goals. Life has gotten easier, but it is never going to be easy all together. I still have so many struggles and it is obvious through all of my random blogs.

Some of you may know that eating disorders are about perfectionism most of the time. They are about wanting to please everyone. About wanting control when it feels like they have none.
Last week my niece got sick. REALLY sick. Like, no one, even the infectious disease specialist, knew if she would make it through the night, the hour, or the surgery.
She’s 3. And the perfect little angel child. I’m her favorite aunt, and my name was one of the first she could say when she learned to talk.
Well, she’s sick and I can’t go see her. And there’s nothing I can do for her. And there’s nothing I can do for my brother when he cries for his little girl. And I can’t go in the hospital even if I was in the right city or state. And I wasn’t the one to paint her toenails when nothing else would keep her mind off the pain.
I was once told that eating disorders are the hardest addictions to overcome. With food,……you can’t escape it. You CAN’T avoid it, because that’s what your problem was to begin with! You have to deal with it. You have to slowly create a healthy relationship with food. You have to learn to accept your (to replace perfectionism). You have to accept that you can’t always be in control. You can’t stop your niece’s pain. You can magically come up with a couple hundred dollars for a flight to see her, and you can’t force the doctors to let you into her room to make her smile.
So during this time of weakness I found out that now I hear even more loudly my coworkers telling each other how many calories they ate, and my friends talk about how much weight they want to lose. And the commercials ring in my ears about the new “taco bell diet” and the new “half the calories, all the same G” Gatorade commercials, and the people might as well scream in my face how they avoided stretch marks when they were pregnant and how much weight they gained and how long it took them to get back in shape. Even people who tell me I look great seem to be telling me that they are paying attention to my body and what it looks like, so make sure it doesn’t change because they’ll notice that too. In those moments of weakness, I find myself mentally rocking myself back and forth, back and forth, telling my healthy self it’s okay.
But it’s exhausting. And it’s hard to keep drowning out those voices. It’s hard to ignore. It’s hard to take time to feel what I feel and talk myself into staying healthy. It seems almost inescapable.
I’m getting too personal, aren’t I? I’m getting too serious? Maybe it sounds crazy. It feels crazy sometimes.
But somehow I stay healthy. And somehow I seem to be able to get s tronger every day. I still read, I still have to avoid situations and people, and I still pray for help daily. Sometimes I feel like I should be over this eating disorder thing already.
But it’s a process. It’s a journey. One of my favorite quotes is by Gordon Hinckley. He says, “[The fact is] most putts don't drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. . . .
"Life is like an old-time rail journey-delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed.
"'The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride'".
And that’s what keeps me going on those rough days.

My final semester for my undergraduate degree is in progress and I am very excited about this semester. I have worked so very hard for the past 3.5 years and now I have the chance to enjoy being in college a little bit. I am a full time student, however this semester I am taking some relaxed classes and I will have more time to focus on healing and not stressing myself out. I also just started back up at my other job, but I have requested to not work weekends at all. This is giving me the opportunity to have two days to relax, study, and just be a normal college student. I want to enjoy my college experience as much as possible while I am still a kid…so to speak. I know that I only have one life to live, so I want to live it to the fullest. Every day is a new day for me and I am taking full advantage of that knowledge today. I am seeking out my zest for life again and it will be found. I have so many opportunities in front of me right now and I want to take advantage of as many of them as possible and to the best of my ability. I also know what my purpose is in life more today than I ever have before. My purpose is to help people in any and every way I possibly can. I have the opportunity to help people who are seeking out their majors in school, trying to figure out what graduate school to attend, figuring out how to study correctly, wondering if they should or should not do an internship, learning who professors are and what their focus is, and so much more. I also hope to soon have the opportunity to help the speakers who work for notMYkid have their goals met in any way I possibly can. It is wonderful to be able to experience life to the fullest degree and be one of the few survivors who actually make it into recovery and make a difference. Not everyone makes it out of addiction alive and/or with any chance at a normal life, but I did and I am going to take full advantage of it.