Some of you may know that eating disorders are about perfectionism most of the time. They are about wanting to please everyone. About wanting control when it feels like they have none.
Last week my niece got sick. REALLY sick. Like, no one, even the infectious disease specialist, knew if she would make it through the night, the hour, or the surgery.
She’s 3. And the perfect little angel child. I’m her favorite aunt, and my name was one of the first she could say when she learned to talk.
Well, she’s sick and I can’t go see her. And there’s nothing I can do for her. And there’s nothing I can do for my brother when he cries for his little girl. And I can’t go in the hospital even if I was in the right city or state. And I wasn’t the one to paint her toenails when nothing else would keep her mind off the pain.
I was once told that eating disorders are the hardest addictions to overcome. With food,……you can’t escape it. You CAN’T avoid it, because that’s what your problem was to begin with! You have to deal with it. You have to slowly create a healthy relationship with food. You have to learn to accept your (to replace perfectionism). You have to accept that you can’t always be in control. You can’t stop your niece’s pain. You can magically come up with a couple hundred dollars for a flight to see her, and you can’t force the doctors to let you into her room to make her smile.
So during this time of weakness I found out that now I hear even more loudly my coworkers telling each other how many calories they ate, and my friends talk about how much weight they want to lose. And the commercials ring in my ears about the new “taco bell diet” and the new “half the calories, all the same G” Gatorade commercials, and the people might as well scream in my face how they avoided stretch marks when they were pregnant and how much weight they gained and how long it took them to get back in shape. Even people who tell me I look great seem to be telling me that they are paying attention to my body and what it looks like, so make sure it doesn’t change because they’ll notice that too. In those moments of weakness, I find myself mentally rocking myself back and forth, back and forth, telling my healthy self it’s okay.
But it’s exhausting. And it’s hard to keep drowning out those voices. It’s hard to ignore. It’s hard to take time to feel what I feel and talk myself into staying healthy. It seems almost inescapable.
I’m getting too personal, aren’t I? I’m getting too serious? Maybe it sounds crazy. It feels crazy sometimes.
But somehow I stay healthy. And somehow I seem to be able to get s tronger every day. I still read, I still have to avoid situations and people, and I still pray for help daily. Sometimes I feel like I should be over this eating disorder thing already.
But it’s a process. It’s a journey. One of my favorite quotes is by Gordon Hinckley. He says, “[The fact is] most putts don't drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. . . .
"Life is like an old-time rail journey-delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed.
"'The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride'".
And that’s what keeps me going on those rough days.

So last week I wrote a short blog explaining that I was run over by a truck. I also stated that I would keep everyone posted on my status with my leg and life as the time went by. Currently I am in a lot of pain and I personally feel that I am handling it very well. I have a lot of spasms, which are not fun and there is nothing that really helps subside them. In case anyone was wondering, no I am not consistently taking heavy medication. I have medication, but I only take it as needed. The rest of the time I take Tylenol for pain. My grades have dropped significantly due to this accident and I have been having issues with my memory, not to mention the anxiety I suffer, especially while in a vehicle. Other than that, I would like to note how absolutely grateful I am for the ability to walk and having my life. I started physical therapy this week and it is going well. It is not as painful as many people assume it is, but it is challenging. I also feel as if it is not just physical therapy, but mental therapy because I really have to focus on my coordination and to keep my hurt leg flat on the ground when I walk so that I can rebuild the muscle in it. Yesterday before one of my final projects everyone in the class stated what their best non-commercial present was. That means the best gift they were given that was not just purchased at a store. There were three of us out of about 40 who were grateful for the ability to walk, because we all had suffered severe traumas or accidents to our legs. There were also people who stated special items that were given to them by siblings, coworkers, family members, and friends. I had a few of the notMYkid staff share some of their experiences and it was a wonderful opportunity to be grateful for what we truly have in life and about all of the special times we have. I challenge each and every one of the individuals who read this to write down at least one thing you are truly grateful for and it can’t be materialistic. I mean try your very hardest to think about the best gift or blessing you have been granted in your life. It is pretty amazing what people come up with.
Happy Holidays and Happy New Year!!!

When I get anxious, frustrated, down, one of the greatest tools I can use to start feeling better is making a gratitude list. I’ve noticed that most of my worries are about the future (what if this happens, what if that doesn’t turn out as planned, how will I know when…). I’ve also found that most of my frustrations are about the past (how could that have happened? I can’t believe that this has turned out this way…).

The amazing thing about gratitude lists, is that they force me to look at the NOW. I cannot be grateful for things that haven’t happened yet (no more future-tripping), and reflecting on the good things in my past can only help balance my perspective on what reality is really like for me (today). When we are future tripping or in morbid reflection all day long, we miss out on living in the moment. We miss out on all the joys that take place right in front of our eyes. So I am going to take a minute and make a gratitude list. I am going to tell you all the things in my life that I am thankful for TODAY, right NOW, and enjoy living life instead of racing it…

Lean Pockets ®
A cuddly dog that walks me every morning
The sun rise at 5:30am
Dance class tonight
Clean clothes to wear
Smelly soaps in the shower
A bed to sleep in…that is made…and smells like linen 
Sweetened oatmeal and almonds for breakfast
The mountains right outside my apartment, and on my drive to work
Little girls with chipped nail polish
Little boys with tubby stomachs
Accents…European and Australian accents
A culture of open vulnerability in the 12-step groups
A culture of growth, learning, and positivity in the 12-step groups
A job that helps me live just under my means
A relaxing read with my morning latte
A few classes at a time in college, so I can learn for pleasure
The Discovery Channel with a bowl of grapes and a warm blanket
Friends and laughter at dinner time
A car to drive me from work, to home, to school, to 12-step meetings

No matter what happened yesterday, and no matter what happens tomorrow, chances are that these things will stay the same. And whether my income increases or decreases, whether people approve or disapprove of me, whether I get romance or watch it disappear, whether my children obey or rebel, I have a life that is rich with constant joy. I have so little control over life’s circumstances. I am truly a grain of sand in the ocean. The good news is that this ocean is such a beautiful place to live if I open my eyes to its pleasures. What I do have control over is how I move with the waves…