Some of you may know that eating disorders are about perfectionism most of the time. They are about wanting to please everyone. About wanting control when it feels like they have none.
Last week my niece got sick. REALLY sick. Like, no one, even the infectious disease specialist, knew if she would make it through the night, the hour, or the surgery.
She’s 3. And the perfect little angel child. I’m her favorite aunt, and my name was one of the first she could say when she learned to talk.
Well, she’s sick and I can’t go see her. And there’s nothing I can do for her. And there’s nothing I can do for my brother when he cries for his little girl. And I can’t go in the hospital even if I was in the right city or state. And I wasn’t the one to paint her toenails when nothing else would keep her mind off the pain.
I was once told that eating disorders are the hardest addictions to overcome. With food,……you can’t escape it. You CAN’T avoid it, because that’s what your problem was to begin with! You have to deal with it. You have to slowly create a healthy relationship with food. You have to learn to accept your (to replace perfectionism). You have to accept that you can’t always be in control. You can’t stop your niece’s pain. You can magically come up with a couple hundred dollars for a flight to see her, and you can’t force the doctors to let you into her room to make her smile.
So during this time of weakness I found out that now I hear even more loudly my coworkers telling each other how many calories they ate, and my friends talk about how much weight they want to lose. And the commercials ring in my ears about the new “taco bell diet” and the new “half the calories, all the same G” Gatorade commercials, and the people might as well scream in my face how they avoided stretch marks when they were pregnant and how much weight they gained and how long it took them to get back in shape. Even people who tell me I look great seem to be telling me that they are paying attention to my body and what it looks like, so make sure it doesn’t change because they’ll notice that too. In those moments of weakness, I find myself mentally rocking myself back and forth, back and forth, telling my healthy self it’s okay.
But it’s exhausting. And it’s hard to keep drowning out those voices. It’s hard to ignore. It’s hard to take time to feel what I feel and talk myself into staying healthy. It seems almost inescapable.
I’m getting too personal, aren’t I? I’m getting too serious? Maybe it sounds crazy. It feels crazy sometimes.
But somehow I stay healthy. And somehow I seem to be able to get s tronger every day. I still read, I still have to avoid situations and people, and I still pray for help daily. Sometimes I feel like I should be over this eating disorder thing already.
But it’s a process. It’s a journey. One of my favorite quotes is by Gordon Hinckley. He says, “[The fact is] most putts don't drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. . . .
"Life is like an old-time rail journey-delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed.
"'The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride'".
And that’s what keeps me going on those rough days.

So….I’ve been sick for a while now. Sick as a dog, and sometimes so sick at night that I cry wondering how I’m going to get up and face it all again the next day.

My oh-so-sweet husband is always there to comfort me, but nonetheless I still find it hard to get up and go sometimes on those very sick mornings. I go to work, sometimes switching from one job to another in one day, head to school, and drive myself crazy worrying about midterms and finals and research papers. And making sure I get enough “balanced” food into my diet so my baby grows healthy and strong in this ever-growing belly of mine. Maybe that doesn’t seem like much, but to me, whilst I go about my daily activities, all the while thinking about where the nearest exit is in case I get sick, it’s quite overwhelming. And let me tell you, being a former bulimic and having the perma-flu is NOT easy. SO, I get overwhelmed easily. The house cleaning has gone out the window, along with the dinner cooking, which left along with the grocery shopping and plant watering. When I get home, I plop down, try to squeeze in some homework, and try to remember to lie on my left side . So, as you can imagine, searching for hours for doctors, midwives, and researching practices and statistics was a little hard to do, although very important for my healthy baby.

And then last week my sister came into town. She’s 2 years younger than me, was married before me, and had her first baby before I did. I really look up to her and often find myself wondering what she would do if she were in my shoes.

Among her talents are an eye for creative design, a knack for baby-naming, and being bossy. All of these talents were very much beneficial to me during her trip. While she was in town, I learned a thing or two from her---Again. She got straight to work when she was here, helping me with homework, looking at baby names from a gazillion websites, making lists of needed baby supplies, setting up everything I would need to have my baby. Even called and made a doctor’s appointment for me. I was overwhelmed before I realized why I shouldn’t be.

I didn’t have to do this ALL of this…… by myself. I had help. And I NEED help. I kept telling myself I was strong and I could do it, and I’d HAVE to do it, because after all, I’m going to be a mom soon and I needed to be able to take on responsibilities that seem overwhelming. But then I let my sister be bossy, and I let her make an appointment, and pick out my insurance, and write down all the ins and outs of being a mom and finding discounts on baby supplies, and help me find baby names.

And I realized I’m not alone and never will be. My family, my God, and my friends are always there, always willing to be bossy and helping me get on track to where I need to be.

I’m not what you would call “computer literate”. Or “technologically sound”, which is why I’ve been a coordinator for 3 months and haven’t blogged yet. Well, here I am, after much help and encouragement. I’m told to talk about life and the recent goings-on of my day to day. So here goes:
This weekend I lost my little brothers half boxer, half basset hound puppy. So maybe I’m not “responsible” either. The only problem with that is that at this very moment I am 17½ weeks pregnant, and feeling “irresponsible” and losing a dog is more traumatizing than it would be to someone at my current stage of life.
My family was heading out of town, so my husband and I thought we could have the opportunity to keep Jazzy company so she wouldn’t miss them so much. We brought her home, played with her, and took her to the park as often as possible. Well, when coming back in from one of these trips, the door was not shut tightly, so while we were showering she took off and never looked back. She’s a VERY social animal, so initially we KNEW she’d be at the park, greeting every human or four legged creature with a big slobbery kiss. But, to our horror, NO ONE had seen her but a little old woman who thought she saw her running down the street. I tried to stay calm, but immediately thought of my heartbroken little brother’s face when I told him the news, and instantly started to sob. I prayed over and over that someone nice and kind and honest would find her, whether we were able to or not. And then I kept sobbing.
An hour and a half later (the longest hour and a half of my LIFE), my husband drove up with Jazzy’s head (and mostly tongue) hanging out the passenger side window. I cried some more. I said a prayer of thanks.
I’m so grateful for honest and kind and nice people. And I’m grateful my brother came home and had his best friend to greet him when he walked in the door.
For the next hour, I panicked to my husband. “WHAT IF WE DON’T SHUT THE DOOR AND OUR BABY CRAWLS OUT?!” We’re installing bolt locks and automatic doors as soon as finances permit.