Holy Heck! A couple of weeks ago I went on a spiritual retreat to continue to change and grow so that I never have to use alcohol or drugs again. It was over in Casa Grand. Casa Grande is just far enough away for you to feel like you are out of town without it being a long drive. It was an awesome trip. I met a bunch of other guys like me and I learned a lot. The really crazy part happened when I got home.
So I get home from this awesome men’s spiritual retreat and I start doing chores. I ran the dishwasher before I left so when I got home I had to empty the dishes. I was putting them away when I heard on the news that there was a triple stabbing in Scottsdale. I then hear them mention my old drinking buddies name. Now I’m thinking it cant be. No way. But then they show his stepdads house on the news. What they said was that my old friend went over to his stepdads house and murdered him with a hunting knife, then he went over to his grandparents house several hours later. Once he got there he tried to murder them in their sleep. Somehow they fought him off (I have no idea how because they are 85 years old and he is about 6 ‘4’ and about 240 pounds) and he ran outside into the alley. When police got there they found him in the alley trying to slit his wrists with whatever he could find in the dumpster. Holy Heck!
This friend was the only person who would still drink with me in Tucson. I had no other friends left. Two days after I decided to quit drinking he drove me to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting so that I could pick up a copy of their “big book”. Unfortunately for him he started doing Meth about 6 months later. Think about it, he was the last person I really had any contact with at that point in my life. Had I not gotten sober when I did, chances are I would have started to use Meth with him. Holy Heck! I believe that is what happened that night, that he was in a Meth delusion. When you use Meth you stay up for days at a time and you lose touch with reality. You start having paranoid delusions like aliens are trying to get you and stuff.
Now, why was I the one at a spiritual retreat that weekend while he was murdering his family? What I mean is, why was I the lucky one to get sober when I did and he was the one who started doing Meth? It could very easily of been the other way around. Holy Heck! The answer is I don’t know why I was the lucky one. But I do know that it will be a long while before I take it for granted again.

The little things are what have become abundantly clear to me to be the most enjoyable moments in life. It was recently explained to me by someone who likes a particular poet named Charles Bukowski. Big enjoyable things like a trip to Hawaii or skiing down the French Alps are few and far between, even for those who can afford them. The really good things in life are the almost mundane things that bring us pleasure on a regular basis. For me, one of these moments is when I walk into the office at NMK, sit down at my computer and check my email first thing in the morning without interruption. Once I have done this, I feel this sense of relief and relaxation. I can only guess that it comes from the knowledge of what the rest of the day is going to bring.
The little things are like when you get a “Good job” from the boss or “You look nice” from somebody you are seeing. They are not things that you think are big at the moment. Like a low score on the S.A.T.’s for example. It may seem like a really big deal at the moment. But do you really think people go through the rest of their lives thinking “Man, if I had scored 25 points lower my life would have sucked?” No way. It’s the little things, like when an attractive girl or boy smiles at you as you walk through the mall. Even when a stranger opens the door for you or when you’re running late and someone lets you into traffic. Or simply knowing that you have to go to school/work 5 days a week for 7 or 8 hours and being okay with that. I would not want to be the guy who was constantly seeking something else and struggling with what may seem to be the mundane. Because for me, these are the things that put the jelly in my PB&J.

My recent car accident is probably going to be fought between my insurance company and the man who hit me. And it is really starting to affect me.
To recap, I wrecked my father’s driveway, I wrecked his client’s car, and I am going to need his help for this insurance claim. I was feeling pretty poorly about myself about all of this. It started with me feeling like an idiot for ruining the driveway, then I felt like a horrible driver, and that I don’t care or I am disrespectful of other people’s property. From there it morphed into feeling like I am a horrible son.
To get myself to stop thinking so negatively, I have to actively stop those thoughts and start looking at the reality of the situation instead of what I expect to happen or what I am afraid is going to happen. For example, my dad did not get mad about the driveway because he knew it was something that I had no clue would happen and did not expect. It was not because I was being careless or did not care what happened to his driveway. It was an honest mistake.
As far as the car accident, my father knows I am a safe driver because I have never been in an accident before. It was literally impossible for me to see the guy coming because he was coming from the wrong way and I had a big truck next to me that I could not see through. The fact that these bad things happened does not make me a bad person. In fact, they should give me a chance to reflect on how good a person I really am.
When my thinking gets out of control in a negative place, I do two things. First, I think of the very best case scenario that could possibly happen. Second, I think about what is the very worst thing that could happen. Next, I think of what is the exact middle possibility of the best/worst case scenario. This is usually what ends up happening, and that reality gives me a more realistic expectation of the situation.
Sometimes we can all let our brains spin out of control. Sometimes it is feeling bad about ourself, sometimes it is a work or school situation, and a lot of the time it is about a girl or boy situation. We can really drive ourselves nuts and even make a situation worse by doing this. I am so glad that I am sober today and have tools that I can use as well as good friends who are willing to listen to help me overcome these negative ways of thinking.